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It is Sunday early in the afternoon and the girls are napping. I am sitting in the dark in my room wondering whether I should get ready and clean the house while I can, or go under the covers and cry. It is that kind of day.

It has been so hard.

Hard is raising children, hard is raising them alone, hard is missing your husband so much it hurts, hard is breastfeeding, hard is being away from home in a place that will never feel like home, hard is solitude, hard is aiming for the unattainable: perfection, hard is losing yourself, hard is feeling like a failure, hard is feeling like you are not good enough, hard is not having time for yourself.

“…And I’m sad, sad, sad, small, alone, scared, craving purity, a fragile mind and a gentle spirit.”

21 thoughts on “Don’t Bend Me

  1. leahtrav

    Ah Deb…I am sending big hugs and much love. I can kind of relate to part of how you are feeling. I too found it SO hard living on PEI. And I only moved there from across the country. You moved there from a different country. It’s a really hard place to live if you are “from away”. Oh man, how i got sick of hearing that! We decided to move back to Alberta. But to do that, my husband went to Alberta first, to make some money for the move, and to find a place for us to live. So I was there on PEI raising our daughter alone for ten weeks. Where is your husband? How long has he been gone for? When will he be back? (((HUGS))) Chin up girl. And I think you are an absolutely awesome mum. Your blogs make me feel like I don’t do enough with my girl! ; ) I admire you so much. Those girls are so lucky to have you.

    Reply

    1. Sixtine et Victoire Post author

      Oh wow, I didn’t know you had moved back there! Was your husband from PEI then? Are you working now? Where about in Alberta are you located? Is it easier for you now? Thank you for your kind words – you are sweet xx

      Reply

      1. leahtrav

        No, my husband wasn’t from PEI either, which could be why we found it so hard there. No, am not working. Am going to continue being a Stay At Home Mum for as long as we can afford it. We are living in Carstairs, which is a small town about an hour north of Calgary. It is so much easier for me now. To be close to my family and friends has made all the difference for me. And being back in Alberta where everything is familiar has helped too. Hope your husband comes home soon. Is there any possible chance your husband would consider moving to Paris? Do you ever talk about it?

        Reply

  2. Beth - Our Montessori Life

    You are not alone. You are not only a mother of two young girls (who both happen by the way, to be struck by that sophisticated French beauty), you are a business owner, and a prominent name in the Montessori Blog World. You are a strong women that seems like she requires help from those around her.
    Help is not a weakness, it is a strength. You are saying “This is not what I need. This is not good enough. I need “you” (husband, family, doctor, fill in the blank) to do “this” (fill in the blank). It could be a cup of tea, it could be finding some help with the girls while your husband is away, it could mean talking to a health professional to make sure you are getting what your body needs (everything from vitamins to sleeping pills to hormone therapy).
    I am writing this from my hospital bed. I have cervical cancer & have just had a hysterectomy. I thought I could do it all and that I was fine. If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that it takes a strong women to not ask, but tell people what she needs. It takes a strong women to say “no body knows me like I know me”. Everyone is different. Don’t do something (like clean) because that is perfection. Instead, cry, because that is you doing what you need. Your children will grow up to know that they have a strong, smart beautiful Mother who saw the bad comin, said “No” and asserted herself with her powerful voice, and made a change for herself and her children.
    I would be only too happy to speak to you privately, should you want to.
    We send big Montessori love from the Westcoast to you.

    Beth

    Reply

  3. Cindy V.

    Hi Deb,
    I’ve just recently discovered your blog and I enjoy it tremendously. My son Joaquin will be two in just a few weeks so he is just a bit younger than Sixtine.
    I’m so sorry you are having a hard day. Some days are really easy and some days can be very very hard. I remember those first few months with Joaquin, I didn’t think I’d be able to breastfeed for long but I kept it up. I can’t imagine doing it all without my husband’s help-you are very strong and very brave. Don’t feel that you have to achieve perfection. I hope you have someone who can come in and help you-even if only for a few hours. I would recommend seeing a doctor just to let him know how you feel. Sending a big hug your way from Texas!

    Reply

    1. Sixtine et Victoire Post author

      Hi Cindy, and welcome to Sixtine et Victoire. I like to hear from my readers because I know you are there but I don’t know who you are! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment – it was definitely a hard day but luckily, it ended well. I was actually thinking of seeing a doctor – I think I may have very low iron levels and it definitely doesn’t help! Anyway, thank you again for your comment Cindy.

      Reply

  4. Anne

    Hang in there, friend! Wish we lived closer so we could chat and drink coffee (or wine!) and our girls could play together! So glad to read that your day improved – here’s hoping tomorrow will be even better!

    Reply

  5. Web Magazine

    Hello Deb!

    I just discovered you blog a few days ago, thanks to “how we Montessori”, I am 27, and have a little girl named Agathe who is 2 and a half years old, and we are expecting an other baby for next spring, we live in the south of France in Montpellier.
    Looking at your blog I think you do amazing things with your girls and I would be happy if I did half of it!!!
    Some days can be really hard, but when it happens I try to tell myself that it won’t last!
    I am happy the rest of your day was better.

    Amélie

    Reply

    1. Sixtine et Victoire Post author

      Congratulations on the pregnancy – I love your daughter’s name, it is very French! Thank you for your kind words! I know it will get better, I just need to stay strong until things change. Welcome to the blog and thank you for popping by.

      Reply

  6. maman taupe

    Juste un petit message d’encouragement. Demain sera un jour meilleur, c’est normal et sain d’avoir des hauts et des bas. En tant que mamans on ne peut pas toujours être au top, et pourtant si il y en a une qui me donne l’impression de toujours bien faire c’est bien toi ;-) Je t’embrasse

    Reply

  7. forcingthebloom

    Totally relate to your post! :) At time it feels like nothing is going right at all! But then I look at my toddler and think I would do anything for him – even this chaos. I will have a messy house, messy life, if that means I’m doing it for him. Besides, kids love messy! ;)

    Reply

  8. Luci - Mother.Wife.Me

    Oh Mrs, it sounds tough, just keep on keeping on and things will get better. Haven’t been to your blog for a while – shame on me – it is looking absolutely stunning – as are your gorgeous daughters! I’ll make sure to pop back much more often from now on x

    Reply

  9. Pingback: Motherhood is beautiful – Motherhood is HARD | endue

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